I could not get away from the idea that if I could have worked harder... more hours... if I'd made different choices... gotten better grades in college... hadn't gotten married (anyone can tell you how being a single mom is your fault, in case you ever doubted it)... hell, if I'd chosen a different career altogether and moved to a different state... we could have avoided all this suffering.
That's the devil of personal performance: it's a slippery slope. "It's all your own fault!" you shout at yourself. Even if you worked hard at school, worked hard at your job, only had two children or less, raised them perfectly and then one day, an alligator leaps out of the lake at Disney world and eats your baby - it's your fault. (one extreme example I saw lately. You better believe a lot of secretly terrified people shouted on facebook that it was all the parents' fault because heaven forbid something like that happen to them. I call this phenomenon "the more popular method of shielding yourself from a voodoo curse".)
This past year has begun a totally new chapter of my life that looks nothing like the previous 15 years. My marriage to one of the "good ones" brought a lot of change. I don't have to be perfect in order to ensure that I am not in danger of being thrown out with the Monday trash, or handed a corporate threat or pink slip. Maybe he wishes I took
|First Anniversary! Still no hate! even though I panicked and almost fainted in the airport!|
We live in this world, yes, but most of us long for a change in our DNA. (Spiritual sight over physical sight, and all that.) If I only I could hang onto the right lenses consistently...