When You Just Don't Care Anymore.

Me and my kids have been praying for almost a year now that something would change in our lives. That circumstances would ease up. On top of the fact that I have one full time job, I started a side job too!  Since I started working full time 3 years ago, I know they have suffered. It is a fact that no human being can work a full time career and raise 3 kids on their own, without something getting neglected. I simply can't give everything 100%.

Me and my daughter had a meltdown over some massive school project this year and I think I actually yelled "I do not care what grades you get!!" - because I fundamentally believe that 4th grade is not worth getting an ulcer over.

But maybe the question I'm really wrestling with is this: when your job is directly in conflict with your family's well-being - what do you do?

Maybe that's a bad assumption. Maybe clinging to a job as if it is your only life raft is denying that God cares. I have to determine if I trust God enough to jump off another cliff. I know if I were married few people would criticize me for quitting a job.

But because quitting means putting us all in financial straits, this is another of those major risky life choices that I have to make alone. At the same time that I'm mulling this over, I'm also going full steam ahead with my plans for the beach shack. I'm waiting for the new builder to give me a contract, and even then this thing won't be finished before next winter.

So we've been tossing around a crazy idea. Just wondering if I've got the guts (faith? trust?) to go after it.

{My HR manager reads this blog. HI D!! :)  HAHA}

Cabinet Doors and Ranty Time

Hey remember when I said the next time I post about Dawn's built-ins it was *totally* going to be the awesome reveal?

Oh hey. Not so much.

There is a good reason that I was most worried about building the cabinet doors. Because this is freaking HARD and I know that I'm missing some key knowledge. There aren't any easy templates to figure out how to hang the hinges inside the faceframes... and then I thought that these were the correct magnet catches , but it turns out what i really needed were these:

at least I think so. Not 100% sure on this. Maybe I'll figure it out tonight.

Also. My insurance man keeps calling me. And sending me letters. And calling me at work. And trying to get me to meet him on Saturday. I've begun to think he is stalking me. He must think I'm a good candidate for a strong-arm panic-ridden up sale in insurance that I don't need - hence the terrifying-looking letters that say things like "OMG YOUR INSURANCE POLICY TOTALLY WILL NOT PAY YOUR MORTGAGE IF YOU DIE I NEED TO SEE YOU IMMEDIATELY ASAP!"  Or is this how insurance people operate these days? Is this normal? Because it's irritating as sh*t.

It's a funny thing about fear. Even though I *know* in my logical brain that his letters are sales tactics, whenever I open one that has his handwriting and a huge red ink circle saying "THIS IS SERIOUS YOU NEED TO CONTACT ME RIGHT NOW" - inside I try to laugh...then I get angry at him for trying to scare me (I mean what if I was some poor confused 85 yr old lady?)...

but then I feel afraid. Because red ink and scary commands make me nervous. 

Then I feel stupid.

Now I think he is a big jerk and I'm worried that someday when I'm 85 and driving my scooter down to the mailbox, I'll open one of his letters and have a panic attack for real! Or worse yet -- fall for it and call him. lol

Where I Review Some Recipes From Pinterest and Feel Crippling Self-Doubt

The title comes from Henri, in case you need some more angst in your life. I know I do.

I get tired of pinning lots of recipes, knowing full well that I probably won't make any of them. So in the last couple of months I've attempted a few, and I thought I would write up a review of these recipes in case you are also extremely handicapped in the kitchen. It will save you some time (and self esteem).

First I will post the ones that turned out good.

#1. Peppermint Sugar Cookie Bars from the Busty Baker

These were yummy, although very labor intensive. Took a long time (for me), the kitchen was a mess and there were loads of dishes afterward (again, this is me) - but I made them for Christmas and I was thrilled that they turned out good. They did not look like the picture, since the little dinner mints melted down too much in the batter and looked brown - not colorful. I am not sure what I did wrong. ?

#2. Banana Bread Bars:

Banana Bread Bars with Browned Butter Frosting from PinCookie

These came out fantastic. Everyone loved them. Yum yum yum - and it was a little less work than the sugar cookies.

 #3. Banana Nutella Bread from Nutella Every Day:

This came out awesome as well - the kiddies love it. This was not too hard, no harder than regular banana bread.

So we're doing pretty well here - can you sense a pattern? It seems like I can handle baked goods. 

THEN. 

I tried other things. 

#4. Breakfast Crockpot Casserole from this blog:

I am not even going to post a picture. I found it on Pinterest and thought it sounded like a great idea. Hash browns, cheese, bacon, garlic, onion, eggs. It sounded great.

It was awful. I think the directions call for the cooking time to be twice as long as it should be - eggs cook up very quickly. It was so incredibly dry that all the kids (including the neighbor kid who had spent the night with us) could not eat it. I threw out an entire crockpot of expensive ingredients and I felt SHAME.

#5. Chicken and Dumplings from Tasty Kitchen:

Her picture makes it look perfect and delicious. Here's what my pot looks like right now:

still trying to get the mess off the pot & my house stinks to high heaven. Didn't matter how long I boiled those @#$% dumplins, they wouldn't cook right. They were soggy pieces of dough.

Up next....

I really want to attempt these. But I'm so scared. :/

Ten Little Cabinet Doors

One little, two little, three little cabinet doors...

Four little, five little, six little cabinet doors....

Seven little, eight little, nine little cabinet doors....

Ten Little cabinet doors!

Next post is gonna be the last one on Dawn's built-ins - almost time to do my little "reveal" dance :)
I guess after 9 months we're all ready for this project to wrap up!
EDITED TO ADD: another photo of how I built these for Adrienne :) -

I got this jig at Lowe's, here. It's a total piece of crap - another example of me NOT READING REVIEWS before I buy stuff. I wish I could find the receipt so I could return it. I had to fudge it and so none of the dowels were tight. You're better off buying a good table saw and learning how to properly construct doors. :/  I routed the backside of each door and laid the beadboard inset, then nailed it in place - again, not a professional job but at least it's done. I am never a good example of how to do things "right" because I never want to spend lots of money on the right equipment/tools. :/

Some other odds and ends:
1. the kids' veggie garden looks like it might actually produce something this year
2. looks like another builder has blown me off, and now I'm shopping again. :( But architect seems to think he can make this happen. If any of you feel like praying for a beach shack to miraculously appear this summer, I appreciate it. :/
3. my blog appears to be broken. The slide deck at the top (that used to have tabs that slid across the header?) is not loading correctly all of the sudden, even though I haven't touched my code. :( Do any of you see that mess up there or is it just me?

I need something to cheer me up. The pink lemonade vodka was working until I gained like, 3 lbs this month. bleh

Vintage Faucets & The Spring Garden

The old clawfoot tub has been sitting out behind my dad's garden since I finished it last year. Which is bad news since now it needs some "Freshening up". I'm getting red auto paint for the exterior (upcoming post on that, similar to what I did on the antique iron bed) - and the faucet came in the mail:

and the faucet for the old cast iron sink came too:

It's gorgeous. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. Plus the cute scrubbie I found at the local Fred's - red polka dots were calling to me! (Pay no attention to the backsplash needing new caulk!!)

Uh yeah. Still no start date for construction. :(  By the time they get me a contract I'm going to have half the building materials squirreled away in my closets already - the plumber may not like that I've already got most of my fixtures but I guess they'll deal with it.

Then I dug out the kids' garden and planted our 2nd attempt at vegetable gardening:

We are trying to grow tomatoes, dill, and cilantro. Again. Plus pickling cucumbers, crook neck squash, and of course another strawberry crop. I have diligently studied (read: scoured Pinterest) for tips on getting strawberries to produce.

So this year I'm hoping for a better showing.

sigh. Seems like I'm still waiting on so much - not just berries and builders. And who wants to read a blog where the only thing that ever happens is.....Waiting. ?  So I'm trying not to post too much. Hope y'all are having a happy spring and fair weather!!

The Pallet Wall (My Post Got Yanked by Google)

{I know this project is ancient history (like over 2 years old!) But I'm posting it again. Someone turned it in to Google for copyright Infringement and for some unknown reason they won't reinstate it??? So here's my statement of ownership right here: I OWN THIS CONTENT. This wall was built by me, and these pictures are mine, and this writing is mine. Nothing in this post belongs to anyone but me. Thanks.}

These are trash/scrap pallets from the factory, detailed here.
I finally got all the boards nailed and glued up. I'm working on a piece of furniture to hold all the baskets of movies and junk next.

Just for kicks, here's what that side of the living room looked like when I started this little renovation:

So I got rid of the giant TV armoire, got a flatscreen, wired up some spot lights in the ceiling, wired up the new outlets for the TV, and covered the wall in planks. I'm probably not even halfway finished with my plans for this room. :/

This project required my new nail gun and compressor, my miter saw, & construction adhesive, mainly. I am so in love with my nail gun that I may possibly marry it. It is that awesome.

EDITED:  This post has made its way around the internet and I just want to add: my pallets are not treated with chemicals. My employer uses a local source. I went to two different pallet companies in this town and neither one was using chemicals. In fact, nobody wants them that way for shipping because it's more expensive to get them treated. One of my bosses told me that we don't do that unless it's required by a government (when we ship to Canada we have them sealed but not with chemicals like pesticides, etc.) I asked about chemical treatment and he laughed. He said "no way"....I don't know where these rumors are coming from, I'm guessing that pallets coming from overseas (read: China) might have this issue, but I can't say for sure.

2nd edit:  here's an update on the living room.

Acceptance, A Start Date, & More Cute Fabric

This hasn't worked out like I wanted. Originally I wanted to build this without a loan, so I could afford to let people stay there free of charge for however long they needed. But then the architect and builder finally poured a 10-gallon bucket of cold water (reality) on my fantasy. Just because this is a TINY house doesn't mean squat. :( I had fantasies of $100/sq ft and a builder who would let me finish the inside myself.

Simply put: I was dreaming. And I always feel kind of cranky when my hopes get crushed. You'd think I'd stop hoping for sh*t and just settle down and accept life the way it is. You'd THINK.

So I had to call the bank. Otherwise this was never going to happen. And I mean never. And I'm going to have to RENT OUT my precious art project. So that teenagers can get drunk and puke on my couch and wreck my retro fridge. :( 

In the midst of my depression though - I figure we might as well enjoy the process right? I'm collecting fabrics for window treatments, pillows, sink curtains, shower curtain, etc.

This is Michael Miller "clown stripe" fabric from Etsy. I'm getting everything off Etsy these days. The plates?? I found those at my local Rite Aid for $1 each! Tell me that the Chinese manufacturer of these plates isn't working from the same source as the manufacturer of this fabric???

The flower fabric is from another favorite designer - Tanya Whelan. More Michael Miller - the "dumb dot teal", the "mod fish", and the "MIGHTY STRIPE" rainbow fabric:

The more I look at these, the more likely I am to use the huge rainbow stripe for under the kitchen sink. It reminds me of my inspiration pic from Pinterest, but also the exterior paint job I'm considering.

The architect seems to think I'll have a start date for construction this week. I'm a little less excited than I used to be. UNDER.STATEMENT.
:/
Oh - and my cocktail of the month is this:

Burnett's Pink Lemonade vodka + Raspberry Lemonade drink mix from WalMart.

It's happiness in a (cheap) glass. I'm thinking about one in each hand right now.

The Truth About Motherhood

Or: Cystic Fibrosis still sucks.

Once upon a time on this blog I laid out the bare naked truth about single parent dating. Well here it is on motherhood.

My youngest niece had her first birthday and it was a rainbow affair. My SIL made this rainbow cake I've seen all over Pinterest - it was perfect! Not long afterward they got their latest cultures back from the clinic, and the MRSA is back. And probably here to stay.

Last weekend me & my 3 kids got hit by (what I thought was) a horrid case of food poisoning, although it might have just been a virus. I was cleaning up after them all night long, until I was so sick I could not get up off the floor any longer. One of my kids seemed to be unconscious and his mouth had changed color. It was in that moment, having a total panic attack because I had no one to call for help - I dialed 911. (My lovely neighbor Dawn was out of town, but I know she would have rode to the rescue if she was here!)

Although we were sick for a week and I've yet again missed a bunch of work, I am thankful that we are okay now.

And this led to a conversation I had with my SIL and one of my work friends - on what it truly means to be a mother.

It means to war against death, in all of its many forms.

And while you know there is no controlling death (those of us who have already lost children know this) - you nevertheless get up every morning prepared for the battle.

That's why we carefully watch our babies' weight gain, yell like a nut when they lick the freezer doors at WalMart, and freak out when they choke on some coins and you have to have the GI doc put a scope down their throat.

Or when we watch them drive off in the car alone after they get their driver's license.

We can pretty it up and call it "letting them go" - but it's just accepting that our most valiant efforts may be for naught. When you have a scary diagnosis, that acceptance doesn't come easier. Instead, you battle even harder.

Sometimes what we need in our darkest mothering moments, is for someone to come alongside and say:

"I see your battle. You are a warrior. I know how hard you've fought this. No one could do any better. You are the most courageous woman I know."



Because she is. And she deserves to win.

Beach Bags and Cell Phone Pouches

I know. Like I don't have 50 other things I need to be doing before this. BUT.

 My local A.C. Moore craft store was going out of business and these bags were $4 each! So I had to get 3, of course.
Then I had this fat quarter I got from etsy a while back, and I wasn't sure where I was going to use it...Until I was reading Jaime's blog and looking at her mountains of fabric pouches...

and I thought: We need pouches like that for the beach bags! For keeping sand out of the cell phones!
So I tried to follow Jaime's instructions.

 Let's just say that I only figured the process out on the last one, so there are a few mistakes. But oh well!

One more project off the list for the beach house. Only about 4,000 more left to go.

My Side Job, A New Friend, & Interior Details for the Beach Shack

Unfortunately I can't blog about the trainwreck that is my life. There are a few too many people who know me in real life, and although I'm sure that I could write blockbuster no-way-did-that-really-happen stories on a regular basis - that only works well when you're anonymous. Or when the only thing that's malfunctioning is the van door on the highway. When your friend's dad shows up on your doorstep one night to have an inappropriate conversation with you --  you've got to keep that shit wrapped up tight.

 I might be coming apart at the seams here. But at least we've got alcohol.

So! An update. On SAFE topics.

The architect who designed the beach shack has become a friend. The kind of friend that I can tell those inappropriate (alarming!) stories to, and he always has excellent advice. On top of that, I happen to be a very good little CAD technician, and he is swamped with work and needs an assistant. So in between our training sessions on plan drawings - "you can move the tub but the doors have to stay the same".... "I said DON'T MOVE the doors"...."Don't ever put a light kit on a fan".... "Why are there extra switches dangling off this wall?"....  he is cheerleading me through my catastrophes.

In the words of Sherry the Montana Poet, "If I was watershed, he was loyal catchment".  I have pondered how funny this turn of events is - because back when I was told that I had to hire an architect, I pitched a fit all the way to his office. I didn't want to know him.

I am also in the throes of filling out the interior detailing sheet for the beach shack. The ceilings will be beadboard and the walls will be horizontal 1" X 6" pine boards, and everything (floors ceilings walls) will be painted white. Because we've got to have a blank canvas for the important crap:

(yeah I love the green but we are going with blue or red)
and I'm thinking about changing the exterior paint job to this:

The architect makes jokes that my fridge will be too small to fit a pizza box, but I told him I don't care. Since those fridges cost as much as a (my) car, I've got to make sacrifices on the size. Then I complain to him that I don't want drywall underneath the boards on the walls - because I need that extra inch of floorspace!

Then I apologize for being (feeling) crazy. He says no-- every inch is important. In all of life.

I may bite the bullet and get the bigger fridge.

Some of My Work Gets Published

In the words of Clark Griswold, "If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be anymore surprised than I am now".

 

This book showed up in the mail on Friday. I hadn't ordered any books lately so I wondered what on earth....?

Then I flipped it open and realized...

oh yeah! Someone wrote me over a year ago asking about using the pallet wall in a book - and I said sure. But I forgot about it. And then I was more surprised by this:

because I don't think I'd even built the garden at the time that the editor contacted me about this project. wow!

There have a been a few times that people have requested to print my projects in other publications (and one TV producer called me about a show appearance once!) - but nothing ever came of it. I don't ever expect that stuff to actually pan out, so I disregard it now.

But this was a fun surprise- maybe I should do a giveaway? Because I have a new copy of the book and let's face it - I probably know everything there is to know about building stuff out of other people's trash. Maybe someday I'll be known for something else. (hopefully it won't involve a mugshot lol)

I'm overwhelmed with life lately so I'm taking a break. I'll be back eventually, after I find some rest. If you want to throw your name in the hat for this book, leave a comment here with a way to contact you. Hope y'all are surviving this winter!

Dawn's Built-ins, Foster Care, and The Perfect Fabric

The crown molding is up and the patching and hiding of my mistakes is underway - soon we'll be painting again.

yes i tried to scribble over the glaring ceiling light with MS Paint. lolz!

This only leaves me with the cabinet doors to build. This is the part of this project that I've been dreading for all these months. As of right now, I still don't know how I'm going to make them. Feral Turtle has a good tutorial, but I still can't figure out how to put the dado blades on my Shopsmith. HUSH.

(what's that you say? You're starving for more of my awesome cell phone pictures taken in the dark? Oh ! here you go!)  {Link to the LED lights I used on this project}


ignore that shim sticking out of the crown. I still have to take care of that. ahem.

A year ago when I explained who Dawn is, and why I wanted to build this for her, I mentioned that she was getting ready to be an emergency foster care parent. A month ago, a toddler landed in her care and it looks like he's going to be here for a while. He was regularly abandoned, and he cannot speak very well and has some issues. He was so dehydrated when Dawn got him that he landed in the hospital.

Dawn is doing an amazing job though - was there ever any doubt?  He's doing really well now. He cheers behind me every time I fire the nail gun. :)  I told him as soon as the weather warms up we will be taking Mr. Sparky for a ride.

and in other news, I finally found the perfectly red-colored retro fabric for the beach house, and when i opened the package I screamed YES!!!!

 followed by this one:

Things are finally coming together!